Can’t stump the Trump


With the deadline for Texas voter registration behind us and early voting approaching, the ongoing presidential election has become impossible to ignore. With two candidates vying for the presidential title, it can be easy to become caught up in the confusing political rhetoric being thrown back and forth. After wading through debate after debate, claim after claim, and scandal after scandal, I have compiled a list of the top five things I have learned from Republican candidate Donald Trump’s campaign; my hope is to educate my peers who may still be lost in the ocean of information. So for any confused onlookers, look no further. Here is everything I have learned from the Trump campaign that I deem worthy of sharing.

1. Female voters suck.

With Donald Trump as the Republican presidential nominee, his nationwide narrative has elicited unprecedented openness in American voters about typically taboo topics, such as race, gender, and environmental and foreign relations. Focusing on gender relations, Trump’s candidacy has especially brought forth the true colors of many female voters: they are extremely ungrateful. Women haven’t even had the right to vote for 100 years, yet we already have the audacity to complain about a candidate? Sure Trump has been recorded saying misogynistic things time after time, accused of sexual assault by multiple women, and even objectified his own daughter, but we were the ones who wanted to vote in the first place. How dare we beg to vote and then complain that one of our presidential options has been recorded talking about how he uses his fame to grope women. Boys will be boys, ladies. Let’s leave the locker room talk to the men. With the amount of whining female voters have voiced about Trump, I can hardly blame his male supporters for starting the trending Twitter hashtag #repealthe19th.

2. Political background isn’t necessary to be an idiot.

What do I love more than presidential candidates without a political background? Presidential candidates with no political background and an inconsistent history of political support. Nothing keeps me on my toes like a heavily influential nominee for president who changes his stance on abortion five times in three days. Trump’s constantly changing viewpoints give him an air of mystery, and there’s nothing a girl likes about a man more than mystery. Did he support the Iraq war or did he oppose it? Is he for or against gun control? Watching Donald Trump speaking on potentially world changing matters is like a huge game – what’s he going to say this time!? While the GOP may be holding their breaths every time Trump opens his mouth, I’m positively sitting on the edge of my seat.

3. Racism is the new black!

Donald Trump may be polling at nearly 0% with African American voters, but are POC voters just being dramatic? Despite the fact that he is endorsed by the leader of the Ku Klux Klan, has referred to Mexican immigrants as rapists, and entertained the thought of a ban on Muslim immigration (because terrorism, duh), he’s actually a pretty nice guy. Even if you are offended by all of this, never fear. Trump himself has responded to allegations of racism personally, saying things like “I am the least racist person that you have ever met” (2015) and “I have a great relationship with the blacks. I’ve always had a great relationship with the blacks” (2011). If that’s not convincing I don’t know what is! That self proclaimed great relationship with “The Blacks” almost makes it easy to ignore the civil rights case pursued by the Justice Department against Trump and his father back in the 70s. Still not entirely convinced Donald isn’t a racist? Trump wished all of his twitter followers a happy Cinco De Mayo back in May, and said “I love Hispanics!” Racist people don’t love Hispanics, America.

4. Laws don’t count if you’re smart enough to get around them.

I’m not going to claim to know anything about taxes here. I’m a 17-year old girl and the closest I’ve come to paying taxes was the $20 taken out of my weekly paycheck when I had a job over the summer. That being said, I do know that taxes are something you HAVE to pay. According to The New York Times, Donald Trump could have legally avoided 18 years worth of income tax because of a $916 million loss in 1995. Just the thought of losing $916 million makes me want to throw up. Imagine all the walls you could build with that money, all the guns you could buy. Middle class voters may be scratching their heads as to why their billionaire candidate didn’t pay his income taxes, but rest assured it was technically legal. When confronted by Hillary Clinton about the idea that he has not paid income taxes, Trump responded “That makes me smart.” I think that’s some solid logic, honestly. If I ever get in trouble for cheating on a test, I’ll just say “I’m sorry, ma’am, I was using my resources, that makes me smart.”

5. Agreeing with your running mate is almost as unimportant as the Syria crisis.

Perhaps the biggest red flag complication with the Trump campaign is the candidates’ outright miscommunication with his own running mate, Mike Pence. Does Pence not realize he is only included in this election because of a political technicality? I have no doubt that Trump would run as his own VP if he could, so Pence really just needs to keep his mouth shut. Trump and Pence both voiced different opinions of how to handle the Syrian military and Russian-backed troops in Aleppo. “He and I haven’t spoken, and I disagree,” Trump said when questioned about his running mates belief that the U.S. should prepare to put troops on the ground in Syria. Obviously, if Trump and Pence haven’t discussed their opinions on military action in Syria then it’s unimportant and American citizens need not worry about it. As for ISIS? No worries, according to Trump, Assad is killing ISIS.”

Disclaimer: This article is entirely satirical and all claims are entirely true and cited to the best of my knowledge. Donald Trump has proven to be misogynistic, racist and uneducated throughout the extent of his political campaign, and I can not offer him or his campaign any praise. Additionally this article is entirely biased.